Why I became a life coach?

As a baby boomer, you will relate when I say that when I was growing up, ‘Life Coaching’ as a career, wasn’t even an option as it didn’t exist yet. At that time, the closest field to it was Social Work and that’s what I chose to pursue after high school.

With my first Pscyh class in college, I became fascinated with human behavior. I marveled at our complexities, our differences, how our upbringing and environments played a role in who we were and who we would become. I saw how much pain and anguish we, just by being human, experience and how we try to cope, deal with or numb those feelings. I also saw how much we need others who will listen to us, understand us, and see the best in us, especially when we can’t see it for ourselves. I graduated with a degree in Social Work.

I married young and we decided to become small business owners. During the next 13 years I learned a lot about love, parenting, and business. Ours was less than an ‘ideal marriage’ and after a while I knew I needed to make some changes. I chose to become a single parent. I found much fulfillment in raising two sons and seeing them develop into outstanding men.

I went on to work in the corporate world - not a great fit for me. It took me a while, but I learned something valuable: when work feels like you’re wearing shoes that are several sizes too small, you’re not being true to who you are. I moved on to work for a non-profit in a position that I found challenging and fulfilling. In 2000 I left that job to move closer to my parents, who were in ill health. My mom died in 2001 and not long afterwards, my Dad and I moved to Colorado to be closer to my adult children.

In 2002 I began to hear about ‘Life Coaching’. Even Oprah was having emerging coaches on her shows regularly. Over the next couple of years, I attended some talks given by authors such as Laura Berman Fortgang and Debbie Ford, two well-known coaches that were getting attention. The more I looked into this field, the more evident it became that ‘coaching’ was the avenue to serve that I had been looking for. All of the personal growth work, classes in counseling, and life experiences came together for me - this is the work that I was meant to do. I enrolled in Debbie Ford’s amazing certification program and directed my energies into becoming a certified life coach.

As a coach and individual, it is such an honor to see individuals grow, expand what they perceive as possible, experience more peace, become courageous, rekindle hope, and live more fully. I love what I do!

My journey – Why I chose this area of coaching?

My passion to help lessen the pain that adult children experience as their parents age is the reason I coach in this area. As a coach, I honestly believe that I can make a difference in how a client moves through this difficult time in his/her life. Instead of feeling hopeless, out of control, and overwhelmed, I know that coaching can provide calmness and peace. It cannot take away the grief and sadness, but it can lessen the guilt, frustration, anger, fear, and doubts associated with this stressful time.

I share my personal journey with you so that you will know that I too have walked this path. My coaching is from a place of understanding and empathy; I am not just someone who has book knowledge about this subject. (Note: it’s long and detailed, not a quick read)

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Our family was quite small and I am an only child. When my parents started having health problems and were unable to physically care for each other, there was no one else but me to help. And to complicate things, they lived in WA and I was in CO.

I became acutely aware that I had some life-changing decisions to make when I received a call one day. My Dad was already hospitalized for a scheduled surgery and now my mother needed an unplanned surgery. I flew up to be with them and tried to juggle spending time with each. I felt spread way too thin as I went from one floor to another, trying to not fall apart as they were being prepped to go under anesthesia. My thoughts kept circling on whether either, or both of them, would wake up. I wondered if the conversations we just had would be our last. I wondered what would happen if only one of them survived. And, I wondered how all these various scenarios would impact my life? Both came through their surgeries fairly well, but it was a stark reminder that either of my parents could pass on at any time.

I stayed about 10 days. On the flight back home I realized my parents’ health was not going to improve, it would only continue to decline with time. It was important to me to be there for them. If I was going to help, I would need to move. It was July 1999 and I moved that September.

At the time I moved to WA, my mother was having lung problems and was losing her sight rapidly to macular degeneration. She and I had never been close; in fact, we clashed most of the time. All of my life, but especially now, I longed to have some meaningful connection with her. Though I was skeptical if that was even possible, I feared she would die with this chasm still between us.

In 2001, she developed pneumonia and became quite ill. Doctor’s advised she had less than six months to live. With the help of spiritual training, I was able to shift my perspective; I no longer saw her as the enemy. And, as she became weaker, I saw a side of her that she had hidden for years, her vulnerability. In her last few months we were able to put aside our differences, we quit attacking one another and we made a connection we both treasured. I was with her when she took her last breath.

Going through all I did with my mother helped me realize that anything is possible. It is never too late to keep trying. If we remain open and are willing to let go of thoughts that keep us stuck, then we can experience more of our heart’s desires.

Mending strained parental relationships is something many adult children struggle with. Being coached can help you look at how you’re currently keeping the relationship from evolving while providing a safe opportunity for you to try new ways of relating.

Back to my journey…
After my mother died, my dad had a difficult time – who wouldn’t! I can’t imagine what it’s like being single after 51 years of marriage. Two options were presented: he could be hospitalized (psychiatric wing) or he could be under my care. I chose to move him in with me. After a couple of months I was relieved that he was beginning to feel better. During this time I learned something valuable! Even though my Dad had been my mentor, my hero, I could not keep a good relationship with him if he lived with me! It was time we made some changes

We both sold our condos and moved back to CO to be closer to my adult children. We found a retirement facility that Dad liked, which also met my criteria of having a wing of assisted living apartments (just planning for the future).

All was good for about a year. Then one hot summer day when Dad was out walking he fell and hit his head. He was checked out and we thought all was O.K. When he later had trouble holding on to things and his speech began to change, we learned that his brain was slowly bleeding. My Dad had survived two strokes in his lifetime, one at 50, the other at age 75. Dad was now 80 and I didn’t know if his brain could survive the necessary surgery, but I knew he would become a vegetable without it.

Long story shortened, he did survive but needed months of therapy. I felt bad for him, but it was also an exhausting time for me. I would go to work, then go visit him. I used all the FMLA allowed. He was eventually able to move back, this time to the assisted living wing. He now needed help with all meals, bathing, medication monitoring and I felt relieved knowing they had nurses on duty during the day.

In less than a year my dad was in the hospital again. This time it was much worse; he was unable to swallow or talk. Seeing him this way was almost more than I could bear. He didn’t even look like my Dad anymore.

I learned quickly about getting a Power of Attorney. It was now up to me to take care of my Dad’s financial assets, in addition to making choices about his medical care. Though I had helped with my Dad’s financial matters periodically while he was hospitalized, being in charge of it permanently scared me. My Dad had been such a wise businessman and I felt totally inept.

In October 2004, based on the doctor’s prognosis that he might only have six months left to live, I made the gut-wrenching decision to take my Dad off many of his long-term medications. Despite all odds, taking him off the medications caused him to gain a level of health he hadn’t had for years. Perhaps it just wasn’t his time to go yet? Who knows!

It was also during this time that I began taking classes for my coaching certification. I learned so much about self-care, making choices that were more true to who I was, and pursuing my dreams. I shifted from being a person who was overly critical of self and others, to one who is less judgmental. It has helped me appreciate each day and handle the ups and downs with my Dad in a more peaceful way.

I will skip ahead to where we are now, 2007. My Dad has been in the skilled nursing facility (SNF) for the last three years. He is currently able to walk with assistance and carry on a good conversation, even injecting a good sense of humor.

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I realize this has been a lot of detail, hopefully it wasn’t too much. My intent was to encourage you and affirm that going through the aging process with someone is not easy. We are forced to face new situations that don’t always bring out the best in us. It brings up conflicting feelings and causes us to seek out what seems to be a vicarious balance that is evolving and ever-changing. My heart’s desire is to help you work through the many challenges you will face as your parent(s) age and to help you do it in a way that feels good and right for you.

It is because coaching touched my life so profoundly that I encourage you to try it. As you receive coaching for one area of your life, you will find that it has a ripple effect. It is common for clients to notice positive changes in other areas of their lives as well, not just this one. The positive impact it can have on your life is amazing!